I puked a lego.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
