this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
