She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
