dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
