Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize