Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
