Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
