the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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