Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
4 words: hood of his car
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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