I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
