You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
nutella sex= disaster
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
