There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
