i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
