How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
