worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Randomize
