I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
40s are totally the cure
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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