Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Hippo gnu deer
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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