After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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