Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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