Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
