hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
