god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize