Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
