she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize