I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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