so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
