Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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