Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
