My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
