I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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