Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
