I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
