and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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