I just cut my nipple shaving
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
