hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
