Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize