I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
