i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
