I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
