you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
