I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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