I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
