i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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