I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
