hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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