in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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