Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize