God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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