She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
