I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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