Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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