Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize