My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
