Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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