you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
