Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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