I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
