He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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