I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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