Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
the raccoons are back...
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