Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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