wanna go halves on a baby?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
