She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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