Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
