it hurts more in the daytime
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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